


love lies

by marcasite



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Lack of Communication, Miscommunication, Nightmares, Not What It Looks Like, OC from someone's past, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 01:44:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18790492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcasite/pseuds/marcasite
Summary: Something is wrong.It had started after their last mission to Rishi and Jyn is still running the events of the mission through her mind, over and over, looking for a clue as to what went wrong. As far as missions went, she had thought it had been one of their more straightforward missions, a simple recon outing. Nothing had been out of the ordinary, nothing had triggered any of her internal defense mechanisms, nothing had happened.And yet, something is wrong.





	love lies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theputterer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theputterer/gifts).



> For [theputterer](https://theputterer.tumblr.com/) who gave me the prompt: "I heard you talk in your sleep last night, and I can't forget the things you said." and offered fluff or angst, I went for angst this fic but I promise some good old fashion fluff in the future!! Thank you for the prompt!

Something is wrong.

It had started after their last mission to Rishi and Jyn is still running the events of the mission through her mind, over and over, looking for a clue as to what went wrong. As far as missions went, she had thought it had been one of their more straightforward missions, a simple recon outing. Nothing had been out of the ordinary, nothing had triggered any of her internal defense mechanisms, nothing had happened.

And yet, something is wrong.

Walking through the remote outpost they were staying at, Cassian had frozen beside her coming to a complete standstill. Every instinct in Jyn went on high alert; hands drifting to her side to lay against her blaster, eyes darting around to seek out the threat. Cassian had not moved, eyes fixated on the corner of a nearby building.

“Hey.” Jyn refrained from reaching out, “What is it?”

He turned slowly to face her, eyes distant. Blinking, he took in her stance, the tight coil of her muscles and had let out his breath. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”

Jyn searched his face, “Are you sure?”

Cassian looked back at the building before resuming his stride towards their building. “It’s nothing.”

But the look Cassian tossed over his shoulder towards the building hadn’t felt like nothing.

 

\+ 

 

The first night after Rishi, she had gone to, what had slowly started to turned into their quarters, after a late night workout surprised that Cassian was not there. She went to bed assuming he would do his best to quietly slip in, like a few times before but she had woken up close to dawn with no sign that Cassian had ever been there.

After that, Cassian continued to grow more distant; withdrawing from both her and their friends’ company. Jyn was at a loss at how to approach the subject with him without pushing him away. If she was being honest with herself, it wasn’t that she was afraid of having the conversation with him, it was more the ramifications of asking him to open up to her. Their relationship (and she was not entirely sure that it was a relationship) was entirely new and they both brought their fear of opening up into this thing with them. If she pushed him, would he simply slide behind his neutral mask, pushing her even further away?

She gathered her courage and asked him, once, if he wanted her to find a different bunk so that he could come back to his own quarters and stop sleeping wherever he was sleeping. She hated that her breath had hitched a little as she asked him if he wanted her to go. She looked up from the floor in time to see the stricken look on his face.

“No, Jyn, no…I…” He ran his hand through his hair, “I’m sorry. I’ve been distracted.” 

Jyn wanted to ask him what was distracting him, she wanted to talk to him so badly but found the words drying to ash in her mouth, layering like so much dust.

That night, Cassian came back to curl himself around her and Jyn breathed for the first time in over a week. She listened as his own breathing evened out, the soft noise lulling her to sleep only to be jarred awake as Cassian started muttering in the throes of a nightmare. 

“Lena...where have you been...Lena...come back.” 

Jyn stiffened at the sound of Cassian’s voice. Who was Lena and why does he want her to come back? She realized that he is still muttering, still asleep so she pushed gently against him to wake him up. She felt his arms tighten around hers before releasing the tension. Jyn knows it’s only a matter of time before he starts to retreat, moving away from her so she grabs his arms before he can let go entirely. She lifts her head to look at him. “It’s okay...stay.”

He sighs but still slides his arms away from her, physically pulling himself up and away. He starts to grab his clothes from where he had made a neat pile on a chair.

‘Where are you going?” Jyn sits up, the chill she feels creeping over her not entirely from the cold in the room.

“I’m up, I’ll go finish what I was working on.” He’s not looking at her while he dresses and Jyn wonders when they will ever find the right words to say to each other. It frustrates her because she knows she’s terrible at this but believes he understands her better than anyone else in this galaxy. 

“Stay, Cassian.”

She’s proud that her voice doesn’t tremble though she feels her entire body shaking. 

He shakes his head, “I can’t. I should also let you know that I am leaving tomorrow. Solo mission.”

“Were you going to leave without telling me?”

Cassian looks at her, “I would not do that to you.”

Jyn watches him, lets the silence stretch out. She wants to yell at him, tell him that she could go with him, watch his back the way partners do. But she knows that there are times he has to work alone so she waits. Waits for him to tell her anything. 

The silence stretches and she is frozen, waiting.

He breaks the silence, “I’ll find you before I leave.”

She shrugs, watches as he leaves the room. 

Something is wrong, and she is at a loss as to what it could be

 

+

 

She skips breakfast with Bodhi, explaining that she wants to see Cassian off on his trip. Making her way to the flight deck, she watches as Cassian hands a bag to Kay before catching her eye. He leans over to say something to Kay before walking over to her.

“How long will you be gone?”

“Not long, I’m just following up on some things.” Cassian is still as he watches her, eyes gauging her reactions. She is hurt but she wants him to be safe more than anything. They were nothing if not friends.

She reaches out and pats his arm and with his words from last night still on her mind she tells him gently, “Be safe, I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Cassian blanches, pulling away from her slightly, “Jyn…I...”

But she has already come to a decision and steps away, already turning to head back inside. She can feel the weight of Cassian’s stare but doesn’t turn around. She won’t watch him leave this time.

She works her way back to Cassian’s quarters and packs what few belongings she has and swings by the Quartermaster’s to get a room for herself. She knows that this will probably be all over the base in an hour but she can’t stay in his quarters, not until he decides what he wants.

She’s right, she has not been in her tiny room more than fifteen minutes before there is a tentative knock at the door. She’s not surprised to see Bodhi standing there when she opens it.

“So it’s true.”

She sighs before turning back in the room with Bodhi following her in. “Did you guys have a fight?” 

_No, we would actually have to be talking to have a fight_ , she thinks.

“It’s okay, Bodhi, I just don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“But you guys will be okay, yeah?”

“Of course,” Jyn steps towards the door. “Do you want to grab some food with me? Chirrut and I are sparring later today and I need to eat before then.”

Bodhi grabs onto the subject change, “I can’t wait to see this, again. You have never been able to beat him.”

Jyn grumbles as they walk out, “Chirrut cheats.”

“How is that even true, he’s blind!!”

“He cheats, everyone knows that.”

Bodhi looks at her affectionately, “You just hate losing.”

“You know me so well.”

She’s glad that Bodhi has let it go but knows it’s only a temporary reprieve.

__________________________________________________________________________

Cassian knows he messed up.

He didn’t tell Jyn that he had requested this solo mission, that he needed to go back to Rishi. He had quietly pulled Draven aside after their debrief and explained to him that he thought he had seen Lena and needed to confirm, needed to know.

Draven had been skeptical but he had seen the look on Cassian’s face and quietly agreed. He would give him a week at the most but needed him to stay on base for a few days before he could undertake the trip back to Rishi. The constraint chafed at him; all he wanted to do was leave the next morning but knew that Draven would not budge. He also wondered to himself what he would say to her if it was Lena he saw on Rishi. Would he ask her to come back with him, leave whatever life she had carved out for herself behind? What if she was safe, happy and his return only brought her pain and sorrow. 

He doesn’t know what to think so he he waits and finds himself adrift in memories he had thought he had left behind a lifetime ago. Every time he tried to sleep, to close his eyes, he remembers the day Lena walked out of his life. So he forced himself to stay awake, pouring over reports in the hopes that he can leave sooner. Initially, he stayed away from his quarters in order to not disturb Jyn but as the hours drifted into days he found that he didn’t know what to say or how to find his way back to her.

Her curiosity is clear, eyes shining bright with questions but he can’t answer them. To mention Lena would bring bring back the helplessness he had felt, the numbness of her loss. So he stays away, promising himself that after this mission, after this trip, he will talk with Jyn. Really talk. 

But she approached him, voice quiet as she suggested it would be better for her to move out. The implication of her words had cut through him and his heart seized in pain. He didn’t miss the way her lip trembled slightly and he knows he is cruel. Devastated, he acknowledged to himself that he needs to fix this before it’s too late. 

Draven lets him know that he is cleared to leave in the morning and Cassian had sighed in relief. He can finally start to put the past behind him. He returned to his quarters that night but Jyn is already asleep. Maybe it’s a good thing; he can tell her in the morning and when he comes back, everything would be better. 

But he dreams.

He dreams of Lena; his childhood friend, his closest companion, the closest person to family he had left. She never loved the Alliance, never took to it the way he had but had always stayed by his side; too young to know any different in the beginning and too tired in the end to want to stay. It broke his heart to lose his friend and after she left decided it was easier to not let himself get too close to anyone.

His dreams wake Jyn and he knows he can’t stay; he’s drowning where he stands. He does tell her he’s leaving in the morning; the silence stretch taut between them. She’s watching him; emotions clouding her eyes telling him without words the blows he keeps inflicting on her. He is the one to break the silence, knows that she will not and promises that he will seek her out before he leaves.

She doesn’t bother responding to that at all.

Now, after two weeks, he’s back and desperate to close this chapter of his life. Draven was pleased with the extra intel Cassian had managed to secure, viewing the trip as not an entire loss. 

But standing in the doorway of his empty quarters, he wonders if that is true. Jyn has clearly moved out, room pristine with an air of abandonment.

__________________________________________________________________________

She’s not surprised to find him standing in her doorway. She knew he had returned to base today and figured it would only be a matter of time. It’s just, she still doesn’t know what she should do or how she should feel. It goes against her nature and she is still at a loss, the past two weeks have not made it any clearer for her.

Jyn watches him, warily. The distance he had work to create between this lay there between them, a yawning cavern that she was not entirely sure she knew how to bridge. She had learned at a young age to never let anyone in and knew, just knew, that this was going to happen.

And it hurt.

Terribly.

Sighing, she motions for him to come in but moves out of reach still watching him warily with her arms crossed. Whatever he has been chasing, whatever it was that caused him to shut her out, has deepen the lines of fatigue on his face. She notes the tired stance of his body, the weight of his shoulders and wonders when he last slept. 

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

“You mentioned that before. How did you know I was looking for anything at all?”

Jyn rolls her eyes and stares at the ceiling for a moment before returning her gaze to Cassian,”You probably should have stayed away that last night.”

She continues at his puzzled expression, “I heard you talk in your sleep that last night, and I can't forget the things you said. I assume you must have seen this Lena you were calling for on Rishi that day and had to go back to be sure.”

She’s had time to put the pieces together, time to work through the details and though she longs to know who Lena is and what she means to Cassian, Jyn can’t bring herself to ask. So she waits. 

Cassian stands motionless, devastation carved on his face.

She’s always hated the way he can slide his emotions away behind a mask, the fluidity of which his expression can change to nothing but she tells herself that she prefers his face devoid of emotion than his current look of loss.

“She was a sister to me, our parents were the best of friends on Fest and we were in each others lives since the day we were born. We played together and lost our parents together.” Cassian takes another step into the room, bringing himself closer to Jyn. “We stayed together for years but Lena never liked the Alliance and as we grew older, she just wanted to find a way to leave and hide. All she wanted was to have nothing to do with the war...and I just couldn’t.”

Jyn could relate on so many levels.

“Eventually, she had enough and wanted to just leave. We argued the night before she left. She…” Cassian took a deep breath, “she didn’t like the man she said I had become and could not be around me anymore. That was the last conversation I had with her over ten years ago. I-I thought I saw her on Rishi and had to know if it was her. It wasn’t.”

Jyn can feel her heart crumbling at the pain in Cassian’s voice. She knows he is giving her a gift, in the best way he knows how and she steps closer to him, eyes searching his. She takes another step closer, into his space and he continues talking, as if the damn has finally been breached and he has only so much time left to say what he needs to say.

“I’m sorry, Jyn. I wasn’t talking and I didn’t really think through how you would interpret that. I know that I hurt you...and..” His voice is low, “and for that, I am sorry.”

“What would you have done if it had been her?” There is no malice in Jyn’s voice, she is genuinely curious.

“I don’t know. I think that is why I struggled so much these past weeks. Why I-I acted the way I did. I didn’t want….to be this way with you, around you.”

She just looks at him, spreading her hands in surrender. “Just...just tell me what you want me to do. If you want to go, go and we will never have this conversation again. We can be friends; I can be that to you. I - I just want to know where...where your love lies. Because I meant it when I asked you if you were with me.”

Cassian is so close now and she aches to reach out to touch him, “Is that all you want to be, Jyn? Because I meant it when I said all the way.”

Jyn looks away before taking a deep breath and before returning her gaze to him. “Together means you don’t push me away again. If you are hurting, I want to know about. If you are happy, I want to know about it. If you are angry, be angry but don’t push me away.”

Cassian nods at her before slowly bringing his arms to wrap around her waist, tucking his face into her neck and breathing deeply. She sinks into his embrace, can feel the last of the doubt fade away slowly. This is a start. 

He sighs softly, “My love lies with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for the prompts, guys! It's kick started me and I am so happy with all the prompts that came in. I know this was angsty but I promise some fluff and h/c on the docket. Please feel free to hit me up anytime, [at my tumblr leaiorganas](https://leaiorganas.tumblr.com/)! And thank you again for my sweet friend, theputterer, for the first of my prompt fills!


End file.
